I am contemplative today as I enjoy a quiet day at home alone...something that happens so rarely and something I cherish. People worry about me being lonely, but I am not the least bit lonely...in fact a day at home listening to music, reading, thinking, planning, dreaming, praying, hoping and refocusing myself is a joy words cannot describe. It fills my heart and soul...it replenishes, refocuses and refreshes me. It affords me the opportunity to focus on my True North and to listen to the still small voice within. I crave some quiet alone time...not all the time but more than I get...I think it helps me to remain balanced and cope better. A day of peace, hope and joy...Merry Christmas...

As I quietly reflect on the reason for the season I am aware that I have been striving to evoke the feelings of awe, wonder, excitement, joy and gratitude that I usually have this time of year. Initially, I felt disappointed and as if something has been missing this entire month. Instead of the normal mixed emotions and bittersweetness the season brings I've felt numb and heavy hearted. I thought I needed to do something differently but as I still myself and look internally with curiosity rather than condemnation, I realize that my feelings right now are 'normal' given the events of the month. And, as I think of Emmanuel, God with us...I am tearful to know I CAN come just as I am. I cannot nor do I have to conjure up that which is not there, I cannot create anything and it is not my job to do so. What joy I have knowing that right now, this moment, I come just as I am, with a heart full of questions with no answers, sorrow, and prayers. That insight does give me peace, hope and joy...and reminds me that I am loved. It's weird this year to not be as mindful and peace filled as I usually am. As I sat in church service last night, I was not overcome with joy...I was not focused on the Christ child at all...instead my thoughts turned to Bev and I said a silent prayer for her family. Then...my thoughts turned to John, Rick and Ray...mostly Rick and John. Why? Why 5 days before Christmas? John LOVED Christmas...the birth of our glorious Savior that he spent His life serving and loving... It seems cruel and so unfair...but then do I think just because someone serves God that tragedy will not strike? Does it make God any less God? Any less loving? My answer is a resounding no...but I still wonder why. It still breaks my heart to know...realistically there was NOTHING left of those men. They hit the earth at high speeds and the propeller was 4-7 feet in in the underground. SIGH. I dread the visitation and funeral...and it seems surreal still. I cannot believe they are gone. Not much focus on the service...but that is where my heart was and God understands. Then I thought of my dad...and how I long to make it better for him. I was so touched that he called and shared what was really going on, that was a first. SIGH. He's lost EVERYTHING he worked his entire life for...and at 57 is working 12-14 hours a day trying to make some money. It's.not.fair. But...at least...he called to tell me...that he waited until the last minute hoping to pull a rabbit from a hat...hoping and praying for a miracle so he could send me SOMETHING but no money came in so he couldn't. I know his heart is aching...he so badly wanted to give me something... Just like for my graduation. The girls...still get gifts and help...they live at home rent free...and he wanted to give me more not less since I can't be there... I told him all I wanted was his love and that he believed in me... He said he did and i told him that was the best gift of all...that and he was sober and had what he needed. My heart breaks for him and I want so badly to just be able to give him money and make it better. I want to help Amy out too...wish I could do something for Nicki too. SIGH. IF I hadn't had my ED and spent all my money on treatment...I'd be in a different position financially... At the same time...all of it has taught me to depend on God...to die to my flesh that is in a constant state of wanting MORE and MY WAY (heh...that worked well for me no?)... It has helped me to realize my human limitations and the great beauty in live... All so bittersweet!!! 

And then...I think of that day so long ago...that Christ came to earth to give life...to give hope...to give GRACE (the exact opposite of what I deserve)... And I think about the fact that HE IS...and tears of joy roll down my cheeks... No...my life is not perfect. I am not where I would like to be...and yet I am so richly blessed.... First, I have my God and He is my everything... Then...I have amazing friends... I am able to give grace and love to my parents right where they are...and I can tell my sisters that I love them, I'm here and I think...we can be in touch more... My heart overflows with both joy and sorrow... Thoughts of Him fill me with peace and hope and joy...what a blessed Savior... I do not know what tomorrow holds...but I know that right now...this moment...I am loved...I am okay... And God in His infinite wisdom and love has me in the palm of His hand... I feel like...I can take another step forward...moving towards more wholeness...which makes me think of the service...when I WASN'T distracted with Bev, John, Rick and my dad... It was about GRACE...not just mercy which is not giving us what we deserve...no grace...grace is giving us the exact opposite of what we deserve... And...Blake asked us..what ONE person we need to extend grace to, the opposite of what they deserve... The two questions were WHO and HOW? As I sat there, I became painfully aware that in my daily life i need to do a better job but overall I extend grace to others...the person I most need to give grace to is...MYSELF... Although I can so easily love others, I still struggle so much to...love myself...and not loving myself is not honoring the Divine within me. The truth is...that I HATE myself...even after so much work... I somehow still struggle to forgive myself... And because I cannot forgive myself, I cannot give myself mercy let alone grace... Somehow I believe I am not worthy of forgiveness and that I need to pay for every mistake... I think...I didn't learn how to love myself nor was I dealt with lovingly or guided/disciplined...I was punished and...well it all shaped how I treat myself now... I am better than I used to be...it could rain on someone's picnic and I'd feel as if it was my fault...but I have a LONG way to go... And so...I am going to work on giving myself grace...

I guess...my last thought is...that although all of my questions go unanswered and my future has no definite answers, the one thing I know and believe with all my heart... Is that God loves me...and He is with me....

And that concludes my Christmas contemplation...

I really feel like hiding lately... I WANT recovery and have really been working towards it on a moment by moment basis each day...and the majority of the time, minus some hard days here and there, I do REALLY well. I'm moving forward but I DON'T want to share the journey anymore. I don't WANT to have to tell her everything. My T tells me the only way for me to get better is to share everything...but I don't want to. I want some part of myself left back for me. I've also said my best friend is amazingly supportive...she's a beautiful, sensitive, supportive friend who is fighting for my recovery alongside me... Of course, she doesn't have to deal with the discomfort, fear, bloating or constant gas but...she IS right there fighting with me. We started having snacks together almost every night because I'd binge at night and puke OR I'd not eat all day...well..it's been several months of me doing the right thing, and though I still struggle to get meals down, I don't WANT to have snack with her every night. I.feel.smothered. I can't breath. I get NO time alone to myself in the evenings...and maybe going to the gym or having time to read would be as effective as being with her at this point... I am resentful that we have to have snack together EVERY night... Plus, I can't do things with other friends at night because I end up having to come over or she's coming over...and it's just...making me angry. At the same time, it's comforting to have a safe place to be...to settle...to know I am safe and not have to fight so hard... It's nice to share my day with someone since I am single...to giggle and laugh and be silly...you know? I mean, just because I'm single (quite happily) doesn't mean I don't want friendship and the debriefing of the day... IDK...it just...stresses me out...and takes away from ME time and study time... But...when she's had struggles and been overwhelmed...she's been there for me...willing to take time out every night to help me fight, gain recovery and keep on track... Perhaps, since I'm doing so well the majority of the time...ED is pissed... I mean if I don't have to eat snack I probably won't...or I wouldn't eat as much... SIGH.. Meh...just had to vent... 

And...I had a slip after my B-day but I'm back up to day 3 so that's good...

This is not going to be my most uplifting journal entry...but I am not feeling particularly uplifting, insightful, positive or brilliant at the moment... I am in fact DOWN and OUT... The feelings of discontentment may in fact be heightened to to the fact that I have PMS but...the fact is...THIS IS WHERE I AM TODAY. I'm flat. I'm hopeless. I'm sad. I'm disappointed, depressed, deflated, demoralized and defeated. I'm disheartened and disillusioned. I'm disgusted and depleted. I'm tired. I'm weary. I turn 33 in less than 2 weeks...and when I look at myself and my life...I AM nothing and I HAVE nothing. I've done nothing of significance with my life. I've impacted nobody...made a difference nowhere... I've made messes and caused destruction but I've built nothing and done nothing of significance. I do not own a home. I do not have a large bank account. I do not have a 'good' job. I am not married and I am not dating. I have no children. I am no extraordinary beauty. I am not fit and trim. Healthy or strong. I AM NOT WHO I WANT TO BE. I'm such a disappointment to myself. So that there is no confusion...it is not a job or money or a marraige or children or 'good' jobs or relationships that make an individual successful. I believe it's possible to have all of those things and not be successful or happy. What makes a 'successful' person is the question which begs to be asked given the previous statement. A question undoubtably posed through out the ages... The illusion of success chased by countless individuals who manage to spend their lives reaching for it only to have it slip through their fingers like a vapor...leaving them empty and longing. A successful person based on my LIMITED understanding of life... Is a person who loves God with all that they are.... Having faith and not being swayed and shaken by the storms of life... Knowing that He is all there is...that all things work together for good. Not loosing sight of the prize not matter what happens. Success is being mindful of every moment...embracing it just as it is... Not missing whatever each moment offers. Success is living life fully...laughing, crying, dancing, singing, vegging...just living... It is finding the joy regardless of what life brings... It is neither denying the pain nor wallowing in it... The fact is...sometimes life is wonderful. Othertimes, it is hard...filled with trial after trail after agonizing trial. Which seems to be where I am...or have been for the last 32.99 years. What am I to learn? Why must it always be so hard? Will things ever get better? I just want one job. It's so hard to just find something in my field...when you do not know someone in a human services agency. I am left wondering, WHAT is wrong with me?! Am I tainted? Unworthy? Unskilled? Why is it so hard?! Why is it so impossible to secure a job doing CASE WORK?! WHAT IS WRONG with ME?! Here's what is the worst part... I feel disconnected and far away from God. I don't feel Him close. I do not feel like I matter. I do not feel like He sees me. I do not feel like He cares. I do not feel like He's there... I feel empty, insignificant, alone, weary and like things are NEVER going to get better. I feel like the rest of my life will be one thing after another and like I do not deserve for things to go well...and I'm tired of it... SIGH. 

In other news, my PART TIME job with the school wants me at their beck and call. I'm not so pleased...I use MY car to transport ALL the time, get reimbursed for milage every 3 months, am expected to buy supplies to be reimbursed and the best part is...when I use my car to transport people FOR WORK, if I get in an accident, my insurance is primary insurance, the school districts kicks in AFTER mine AND I pay the deductable. That's RATHER crappy. Beyond that, they want me to just be available in an instant--they called me at 5:55pm one night (knowing I had another part time job) asking me to start the NEXT day at 8am. WTH? Then they call me when I'm not working all the time, so I didn't answer and sent the following email which may seem rude, but they are not going to run my life.

Seems it's always a battle to eat...or not eat...or puke...or not puke. Today I am home doing laundry and working on my school work I had almost no sleep last night so I'm exhausted and I feel like I'm moving slow motion but I've still been productive. I dropped clothes off at goodwill, sorted all my laundery , started it, showered, went and got the additional quarters I needed, emailed the NP at school my T's info so she could do a referal, scheduled a phone interview with Clinique, emailed my landlord about our dryer that doesn't dry well, unpacked my overnight bag, responded to my boss about a meeting tomorrow... Finished writing a paper which I still need to edit! YAAY me... I haven't binged or puked which is good. But, I haven't had the urge to do it which is also really good. There was a time where if I was alone, all I could do was eat and puke...and if I wasn't eating and puking, I was fighting hard not to and obsessing about it... All HUGE steps forward...when I went to get quarters, I didn't have to keep myself from going down isles to stare at food which I'd be unable to resist nor did I have to white knuckle my steering wheel to avoid getting SOMETHING to eat and puke... It feels so amazing to be free from that obsession every second...it truly leaves me in awe. (Not that it doesn't still happen some days but it's not like every second of every day and night). And yet, doing the right thing is a battle so much of the time. For example, I wasn't hungry when I woke up due to the crappy 'dinner' I ate last night; popcorn, nibs, milk duds and some junior mints (didn't finish any of the candy off--ate an okay amount) and I KEPT IT without totally freaking out. I did strongly consider puking it, however I am please to say that I didn't give in. Sadly, likely only because I was with my best friend and she knows about ED...and I cannot lie to her. She deserves to know they truth, to be treated lovingly and I know my behavior impacts her so I can't be a self-centered butt face. Pluse, I'm trying to recover so lying really doesn't benefit me. I digress...so I didn't choke down my typical dry toast in the morning. I did drink a sugar free Monster later in the morning while being aware of my hunger level. I wasn't hungry...then I was slightly hungry, but not hungry enough to eat (truly)... Then I was REALLY hungry but the ED starts talking about waiting until later, after I run to eat...I agree...still my stomach is HUNGRY and won't let me forget it (since I eat and don't puke more than I starve or puke now days  which scares me to death). I look at the clock and think, wait a minute, I'm running around 1pm and I can't wait until 2pm to eat. ED thinks waiting until 2pm is better, I can just drink a Monster and put off eating until dinner--oh the victory in the mind of ED. Somehow, I decided to go ahead and eat a healthy lunch, grilled chicken and veggies...and I'm keeping it down. I need nourishment to run...even if I don't think I do.  Part of me is proud... Part of me feels defeated and scared... Just wish it wasn't always a battle... Rgardless, I am going to continue to move forward in recovery. i ate lunch, I'll eat dinner and I'll eat a snack. I will exercise and enjoy my body moving. I'm not going to belittle my body...I'm going to be gentle and kind and not focus on how thick my thighs feel or how big my stomach is. I'm running for my health, NOT my size. I'm running to be fit and strong...not to get rid of fat off my body... I'm going build my endurance, strength and cardio vascular fitness...

And...I think I'm going to refrain from typing on communities much... This way I can express myself...and not worry...it's MY journal...so read it if you'd like to...or not...

Well, I got the job as a parent educator. The only sad part is there were 3 positions; one part time, one 3/4 time and one full time... I need the full time and got offered the part time position and have accepted...now I have to scramble to get another part time job. ARGH! I am so tired of it being so hard ALL the time...so tired of working only to never get ahead...so tired of hoping only to fall on my face... I'm really happy...I'm just scared about finding a part time job now...that will meet my financial obligations... OY! And...I am the most disappointed because the school I wanted, the school I volunteer at...isn't the school that wanted me... I feel like such an ass...

Well...off I go to therapy...

I am on day 2 without puking...which is good...considering usually when I fall of the wagon I struggle immensely to get back on...so a b/p on Tuesday which lasted all of 90 minutes after 11 & 3/4's days is AMAZING... I AM happy about that. :)

At the same time I am overwhelmed...I MAY have a job offer at a crisis mental health facility. It would be amazing experience as far as getting to do progress notes, treatment plans, leading groups, counseling, assessments and answering a suicide hotline. Plus, when there is down time, I would be able to do my homework. The benefits are amazing and really reasonably priced. I accrew vacation time immediately. Get 4 paid personal days off, earn up to 12 sick days off.  And, when it's quiet, I could do homework. Here's the challenging part. The hours are HORRENDOUS--Wednesday 6pm-2:30am, Thurs-Sat 6pm-4:30am. NOT good. The pay is ONLY $25k per year.  I COULD make more--it ISN'T an exempt salaried deal. We hand in time sheets monthly so if I work extra hours, I am paid extra $ for it. Holidays are paid and off (for like the administrative people) but the people that have to work get paid double time--paid to be there on top of the paid off pay. Another challenge is that I do not know what my class schedule will be...working overnights would be HARD... I am accustomed to having snack with my friend and staying the night during the week about 3 times--to make this recovery thing easier... I know it's dumb but I have separation anxiety...and I don't know how well I'd do at this point in time having support 3 nights per week tops. I don't know how I'd structure my days...and my sleep patterns would be ALL off on the nights I didn't work... I wouldn't be able to work at the gym which means no free membership and that really helps alot... Making what I would make, I don't know that I could afford a gym membership. Would I be able to sleep when I get off? Would I sleep like 5am-noon? 7am-12pm? 5am-3pm? Would I sleep 7am-2pm or 3pm? In theory, I like to think I'd sleep from like 5-7ish to noon...then get up, eat, go work out....meet up with a friend...but it's unlikely... Then on Sunday....sleep from like 5-9:30 and go to the late service, then just stay up and be on a 'normal' schedule Sunday, Monday and Tuesday... ARGH! Of course, I haven't even been offered the job... But....if I had class during the days...IDK...just seems HARD. Oh...and another PRO is the city I live in is opening a psychiatric hospital in February or March--having this experience could open LOTS of doors for me...